I’m floating high above

It feels like I’m avoiding the very thing that connects me to my emotions and to the world. It almost feels unreal to even imagine telling someone about it, even though it’s my language. Maybe my only language. I’ve never felt that kind of spark, that tingling sense of meaning, with anything else.

I’ve piled all my fears onto it. Fear of failure, of responsibility, and now that I think about it, I’m not even sure what exactly. Artistic directors are big. They’re respected. Multidisciplinary and intelligent. That’s what I am. I want to touch life and pinch it onto the screen. I need to let it flow through me and out of me.

And what if everyone actually thinks I can do it? What if they’ve always thought so? Maybe I’m the only one who doubts. I doubt. I’m so afraid, and I keep avoiding it, even though it’s what I want. Or is it? I would just be so good at it. When I think about others as creators, I feel a sense of separation. But when I think about myself, damn, I’d be good.

Maybe I’m also afraid of becoming bigger. What will people think when I’m no longer “their size”? I’ll become different, and maybe I’ll lose the people I have in my life now. It’s like I’m not allowed to be big, to pursue big dreams. I’ll outgrow my surroundings. Everyone close to me is so grounded, while inside, I’m floating so high.